Monday, January 12, 2015
So much can happen in a day, let alone four months. I am aware I probably lost some followers with my lack of updating, or disappointed some fans who seriously are anticipating the release of my next book by not publishing any novels in 2014 like planned --And to them I apologize it was not my intention ever.
However, sometimes plans don't go as scheduled, sometimes life just gets in the way. As much as "being a writer" is a big part of my heart, it isn't my career. It doesn't pay my bills. It is something I do because I enjoy it. But as much as I love it, it doesn't take precedence over my actual job that pays the bills, or over my family, and especially over my health.
The end of the year is always busiest at my " 9-5" job- and though I normally can manage working during the day and writing at night, this past year I have unfortunately been suffering from a neck/nerve injury that has inhibited me from continuous hours of typing without bad pain and numbness in my arms. I am seeing a doctor, and hoping physical therapy will help, but right now it seems "resting" is the only sure way of feeling better. Any real writing is only getting done by a tape recorder right now. Then I have to wait to have it transferred to text.
So, I appreciate your patience, and hope when my sequels are finally released you love them just as much as the first, and not hold this long wait against me.
And, if I am being honest with you all, I must confess that these last couple months my drive to "write" has been pretty much not existent anyway. Am I still writing, yes, through the tape recorder I am, but my heart hasn't truly been into it. The injury does have something to do with it, but mostly because apart of me is still grieving. On November 8th, my biggest writing inspiration, and my biggest fan, passed away. My grandmother wasn't just a mentor in my life, she was also my very dear friend. And I miss her contagious laugh and words of wisdom more than I can ever express in words. She was a beautiful woman, and the absolute most positive person I ever known. Because of her, I wrote my first novel. Because of her, I continued to write. So she would have something to read during chemo, and something to make her smile. As the illness started to spread, she lost her ability to read though. Sadly, she never did get to finish my third novel. When she lost her ability to read, I lost part of my drive to write.
Writing this now, writing about her, brings tears to my eyes. A bittersweet kind.
I hate that I have felt distant from writing, if she only knew, she'd be so upset with me. She always told me never to give up. To believe in myself because she believed in me.
Maybe walking away from writing was something I needed to do though. For me. Because since the start of the new year, I found myself being pulled back by the sudden urge to write again. But not to just write, meaning to finish so my readers can finally know the end of my series and move on and I can finally finish these open w.i.p.s.
But to write with meaning again. With purpose. With heart.
Listening back over some of my tape recorded words, I realized I have been missing that. I didn't hear it in my story. I just heard a story.
And I never wanted to become that writer. Who just writes stories.
I wanted to be a writer that captured a reader and shared my imaginative world with them. A world that steals them away, and puts them right into its realm. A place a reader doesn't want to leave because they are in love with all the characters. They are friends with them. They feel for them, cry with them, laugh with them.
I've said it before that I can't just publish something to publish it. And that's why it was taking me a while to write these sequels. I just hadn't realize how big an influence Gram really had on my writing. Yes, the stress of publishing brought me down, yes, my injury has plagued me with a lot of pain, but mostly losing Gram has broken my spirit.
My family, who I came to for writing advice and encouragement and ideas, have all had their spirit broken this past year and my writing wasn't something I wanted to bring up. It wasn't really much of a thought at most times.
Spending time with my family, with my Gram, remembering the last "good" moments we had with her, that's what mattered most to me(us) in 2014.
I don't regret not writing. And I'm sorry you've all had to wait. There is nothing more irritating for a reader than to start a series and then not have an ending to it. At least in my opinion.
I am so grateful for your continued support, and that you've taken time to read my novels. I know everyone has busy lives, and deal with their own inner turmoils. So the fact you've taken time out of your busy schedules to sit down and read my books, is truly an ultimate compliment.
Hearing that you enjoyed it, just as much as I did writing it, makes that compliment even more cherished. Knowing some of you are still waiting for "what happens next" not with frustration but with the same anticipation and love, is beyond incredible. It makes all those sleepless nights and pain in my arms worth it.
I'm going to scratch a lot of what I recorded. It's not what you want to hear I'm sure. But, it needs to be done. My heart tells me so.
Good news, I already know where I'm going with it next. Let's hope life doesn't step on my toes this time. Let's hope it gives me some time to tie up the loose laces and move a bit further on.
Here's to wishing you all a healthy, happy new year!
In memory of my grandmother.
Posted by Natalie Carlisle at 6:12 PM